How to talk about sex with your partner...
Even though it sounds easy, talking about sex (not the dirty talk) can be a daunting experience. For most people, discussing sex online or over text feels less awkward than discussing it in real life with sexual partners. The conversation brings anxiety just anticipating it and the self-critical side would most likely make you want to skip having it altogether. Knowing how to initiate it, talk it out and feel better during and afterward is certainly a learned skill. Sex talk is necessary, and here are a few ways to talk sex.
But first, the basics:
- Pick a neutral place that is private and comfortable and not likely to end up with you having sex and not talking.
- Do not talk sex after sex; it will feel like criticism and nitpicking. Wait until you can both be objective.
- Let them know, no blindsiding. Give them a heads-up that you need to talk, and the topic will be unusual. They might feel critical, so it's important to assure them beforehand that it's okay.
During the actual talk:
- Discuss other forms of intimacy apart from intercourse.
- No surprises. Be in step during the talk and discuss everything, from toys to fantasies.
- Once you're comfortable, express yourself and encourage them to do the same.
Understanding your sexual personality
Sexual satisfaction starts with communicating your sexual personality, desires, and needs. Being vulnerable and communicating gently and instructively about your sexual desires and needs can be an exciting adventure. Which one(s) of the following best describes your sexual personality?
The explorer: you're daring and experimental. You're All about trying new things and having fun even if you're not sure you'll like it.
The fair trader: you're all about giving it as good as you receive it. You expect them to meet your needs just as excited as you were to meet theirs.
The Giver: it's all about your partner feeling good, even more than you.
Safe Haven: safety comes first. You've dealt with trauma before and require security first. Boundaries and enthusiastic consent are important to you.
The Passionate: the energy tells it all for you. Sex should be intense, all-consuming, and powerful for you.
The Pleasure Seeker: physical pleasure during sex comes first for you. You want it to feel physically good without being overly intimate emotionally.
The Prioritizer: sex is a priority for you, even if you have a busy schedule. You set consistent routines and want them followed.
The Romantic: sex is an emotional connection for you. They must be present and not rush it.
Thrill-seeker: anything but vanilla sex. You get excited by BDSM, kink, and taboo fantasies and enjoy a little power play. You crave the sense of it, more than The Explorer.
The decomposer: you think of sex as a way to take the edge off and focus on the physical and mental release of orgasms. You are more fixated on the finish line and the afterglow of climaxing.
How to interact with your partner's type
There is a chance you have different sexual types with your partner, and only honest communication can help you figure each other's type out. Talk through the differences until you both feel satisfied and able to manage each other's needs and desires. By figuring out your sex type, needs, and desires, you can find ways to spice up sex with your partner. Knowing your partner's sex personality helps make it easier for you to meet their needs and consider yours.
Start by researching each other's sexual types and the characteristics and working your way through their personal needs. Try to ensure you are comfortable with whatever you agree on and not merely agreeing for the sake of accommodating them. Work your way through their preferences, nuances, touches, fantasies, and what else is on their to-try list and if it's okay with you.
How to re-discover your partner sexually
It is normal for your sexual intimacy to take a dip, whether from stress, hormonal changes, or it's just not as fun as before, and pillow talk can't fix it. Luckily, there are several ways to rekindle the intimacy in the boudoir.
Get together and make a list of what you both love, what is missing, and what you are open to trying. Fantasize consensually on the pleasure you want and come up with exciting ideas.
Switch things up!
Try a new location to have sex, move to the couch or kitchen counter. Pick a place that isn't your usual spot. Try new positions, angles, depths, settings, and even incorporate accessories.
Get a room!
Picture you two alone, in a tidy hotel room, then do it. Plan a staycation and picture it as an opportunity to warm things up, snuggle and talk.
Get out of your head and slow it down!
Slow down the physical progression and focus on the touch and movement. Aim for an intense connection that doesn't just focus on the happy ending-especially for him.
Get back to doing fun things together!
Have fun together outside the bedroom. Try a new sport together, go on a hike, go to a new restaurant, or any other non-sexual couple activity that keeps you close and builds desire for each other.
Other important things you can try include; trying out lubrication, getting your health in check, getting playful and sensual, and talking about physical changes that dampen your interest.
Discover your 'Erotic Blueprint'!
An erotic blueprint is an arousal map to your own wiring and your turn-ons. Think of it as your sexual love language. The concept was develop by somatic sexologist and educator Jaiya, who for over two decades has been working with couples to have more fulfilling sex lives. Based on the theory, everyone has a sexual language:
Discovering your erotic blueprint as well as that of your partner will help you develop a deeper connection and as such greater sexual satisfaction. Essentially it increases your self-awareness and empowers you to better communicate your needs to your partner. You can learn more about it or take the erotic blueprint quiz on Jaiya’s here.
Try a sex coach!
If your partner isn't open to talking about things and improving your sex life, or if you don't orgasm-and he always does, a sex coach might help. It's okay to ask for help from a professional. Find a good coach from AASECT, try them for a change, and ensure you're both invested in improving your sex life.
Few things will feel as good as the sex after having a comfortable, open sex talk with your partner. And the only thing better than having a sex talk is having sex talks whenever and wherever you can. Make it a point to talk about sex and share how good it is and what could use a little sprucing up. Since sex is fun, a conversation about it should be fun. Stick to the ideas above, and hopefully, you can have a more rewarding sex life afterward.
Stay safe, stay healthy, have fun!