We all know the phrase: 'Liar, Liar, pants on fire!', the worst of it is when we are actually in the crossfire of something that harms us, rather than a joke.
Lying in relationships is one of the most common things that rip and tares a relationship apart. So, let's talk about why people may choose to lie, how it affects the other partner/ person and the relationship itself. As well as how to push through the discomfort, through the crap, and towards connection once again.
Lying: by definition, is a person who speaks a lie that is not the truth.
The liars do this in order to deceive the other person, to get away with something or the intent to deceive, to hide something or not harm or upset someone – which by all means, if you are lying to someone to not harm or upset them, you're doing it anyway. Simply put, lies are selfish and for the benefit of the liar.
Ghosting/ omitting information or just stopping communication, oh boy, that is a lie of omission. Lies of omission means not being transparent, not being honest, and upfront, which again is a roundabout way of lying indirectly. Lying by omission is failing to correct a pre-existing misconception in order to hide the truth from others. This act, in turn, acts as a lie itself and is very immature and selfish to do. Lack of communication turns into disconnection, a distrust and pause of inability to trust what the person says again. Neglect shows up and can be detrimental to the relationship.
What are ‘white’ lies? White lies are when you say you are sorry for someone else's loss even if that person was a complete asshole. They are the ones that do not harm others but rather they are trying to be a decent person. They are the ones that say to that lovely person you like their top, to uplift their spirit, not necessarily because you would love to wear that top but rather that person seems the like it and why not just express a nice thing.
‘Red’ lies are the ones out of revenge. They are lies where you plan to fuck the other person over, for example, this could be like telling someone that there was a test the next day when there wasn’t or the opposite by saying that there is no test and then there was. Another example would be to set someone up at an office for someone or tell rumours around that are false. Needless to say, everything comes with a price.
That price is conscious guilt and shame and/or Karma. Shame and guilt are 'I did something bad' and 'I am bad' within the context of what happened. While Karma represents the ever-so-true universal law of 'what you put out will come back'. Karma doesn’t mean it comes back in the same way, but it will come back in another way, and it might be a while till it does. Karma comes in different shapes and forms. One is the government law, that you pay for your crimes. Another would be if you act selfishness and irresponsibility with a lack of respect in your relationship, then well the relationship may end. This all depends on what you are willing to lose since you will lose something.
When others say they "didn’t intend to" or even just ignore you by not responding, that my friend is an indication something is hiding, and there was intent to do so.
"Pathological liars have a pattern of frequent, repeated and excessive lies or lying behavior for which there is no apparent benefit or gain for the liar," - Charles Dike, clinical professor of psychiatry at Yale University and medical director of the Whiting Forensic Division of Connecticut Valley Hospital.
How does this effects the other person? Well, this kills the trust, the connection and the ability to let the other in, back to square one. Depending on the situation that is. White lies can be F’d, but just full lies/ red lies/ more lies, well you are setting yourself up for a break, a disconnection, a goodbye/ farewell. While this may have been a one-time thing or even worst a more-time thing. The person who got lied to really questions their reality and ability to fully trust that person at all. Creating this vault or closed wall of "fuck you".
“Were they telling the truth before this?”, “Were there more lies?”
Broken trust can look like…
Thinking that they are hiding things from you
Feeling on edge/ on guard
Disregarding the positive
Feeling lost and rethinking everything around the relationship’s truths.
Not feelings safe
Not cared
Questioning the other
Now you can see how this can drastically affect the relationship at its core. The foundation of a relationship is on the pillars of trust and commitment, without those, the walls of the pillars start to crumble, and the in-between starts to fall apart. A solid understanding and agreement towards respecting each other with or without them beside you are required. PERIOD!
Alright now, how do we get back to the understanding and the ability to trust, tare down those walls and get back at it. Well, sorry but it won’t be the exact same. You broke the trust, the bond, and the ability to be safe with that person at that time. Patience, understanding, time, not doing it again and working on each other and ourselves are key elements.
Time! it takes time and effort. A LOT of effort on the side who lied. I am not saying it does not take effort from the other person who got lied to, it does, just in a different form. As this person has to re-calibrate and take this wall down, brick by brick, and get the courage and compassion to try and understand the other side, as well as, working towards allowing the other person in again, if they choose to. If not they more likely will say goodbye.
What about the liar! Well, liar, liar pants on fire! You my friend have to do more. Be more and consistently do what you're saying your going to do. No more lies, horrid lies, or lack of answering to get out of something. You have to be within the integrity of your relationship and have check-ins to see how and what is going on. To rebuild the foundational walls and hear each other. Trust can be defined as being open and honest, open meaning not closed, not hiding, and honest meaning what you say is what is happening.
Brene brown defined trust in the word BRAVING:
Anonym of Trust is B.R.A.V.I.N.G: (By Brene Brown)
B - Boundaries.
I trust you if you hold your boundaries and respect my own. You’re willing to say no. when you
are unclear about what's okay and not okay, you ask.
R- Reliable.
You'll do what you say you’re going to do, over and over again (this means not just once or
twice). Clear on limitations.
A- Accountability.
Own your mistakes, apologize and make amends.
V- Vault.
What I share with you, you will hold with confidence. You will not share experiences or
information that are not yours to share. Acknowledge confidentiality = no gossip and not
trusting others who gossip, because that means they will gossip about you.
I- Integrity.
Act in integrity and hold me to it as well. You choose courage over comfort.
You choose what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. And you choose to practice your values
rather than simply professing them.
N- Non-Judgment.
Able to ask for help/ what I need, and you can ask for what you need. I can fall apart openly
without judgment, but acceptance and so can you. Able to talk about how I feel without
judgment.
G- Generosity.
You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
Lastly, the reconnect. What can you do in order to get back into the relationship before the betrayal or lie? Julie and John Gottman from the Gottman institute define 3 A’s in order to bring it back:
3 A’s
Atone: Talk openly about it, ask questions without judgment and use ‘I’ Language.
Attune: Look at communication tools to rebuild the trust and bond. Ask what is needed to move forward and what you want.
Attach: Re-commit to the relationship. Do not convert to old ways, create new ways moving forward. Change has to occur.
In conclusion, DO THE WORK. Put in the effort as you put in the effort to lie and break the trust. Action your trust and work together to build that bridge of trust once again.
Healthy relationships are with open-honest connecting respect.
Check-in, not check-out.
Love more, fear less.
V.B.Chase