When Emotions Spike: Understanding Relationship Triggers
- V.B.Chase
- Feb 5
- 4 min read
Have you ever found yourself reacting intensely to something your partner said—even though, on the surface, it seemed minor? That sudden emotional flood? That’s a trigger. Learning to identify your triggers is a key step to improving communication, building trust, and breaking painful cycles in relationships.
In this post, we’ll explore what triggers are, where they come from, and how to work with them—not against them.
Drawing on the research of Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Sue Johnson, Dr. Gabor Maté, Brené Brown, and Alison A. Armstrong, we’ll unpack how to move from reactivity to real connection.
What Is a Trigger?
A trigger is an emotional overreaction rooted in past pain or unmet needs. According to trauma expert Gabor Maté, a trigger is never about the current moment—it’s a “reliving” of an unresolved past wound. As Maté explains, “Triggers are not created by what’s happening; they’re revealed.” (Maté, 2019).
When your partner says something that “sets you off,” your nervous system isn’t reacting to now. It’s reacting to then—an earlier experience of abandonment, shame, control, or fear.
Example: The Real Fight Beneath the Surface
Take this scenario:
💬 A couple fights regularly about spending money.
One partner (Alex) gets anxious whenever their spouse talks about vacations or shopping.
The other partner (Jordan) feels shut down or controlled when asked to “be more responsible.”
What’s really going on?
Alex grew up in a home where money was unpredictable and survival felt uncertain.
Jordan, on the other hand, grew up in a well-off home where money was a source of joy, not stress.
💥 When Jordan spends, Alex’s fear of scarcity gets triggered.
💥 When Alex critiques spending, Jordan’s fear of not being enough is triggered.
As Gottman’s research shows, the surface fight is rarely about money, chores, or logistics—it’s about deeper emotional needs like security, value, and freedom (Gottman & Gottman, 2015).
How Triggers Affect Intimacy
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Dr. Sue Johnson describes triggers as part of our emotional “dance.” When one partner gets reactive, the other instinctively follows—unless they’ve learned to pause and repair. Johnson explains that most conflict isn’t about logic—it’s about emotional disconnection (Johnson, 2008).
Here’s what often lies beneath triggers:
Triggered Reaction | Underlying Wound |
“You never listen to me!” | Feeling invisible/unheard |
“You’re so controlling!” | Feeling unsafe or trapped |
“You always criticize me” | Fear of rejection/shame |
“I’m fine. Whatever.” | Fear of vulnerability |
Identifying Your Own Triggers
Use these questions (inspired by Gottman.com) and Veronica Chase's Counselling experiences:
When did I last have a big emotional reaction?
What did I feel in my body at that moment (tight chest, clenching, etc.)?
What past memory or story does this remind me of?
What emotion was beneath my reaction—hurt, shame, fear, disappointment?
💡 Pro Tip: Triggers often mask deeper longings like belonging, freedom, respect, or love. Your emotional reaction is your protector—what is it trying to protect?
What To Do When You’re Triggered
Here’s how to manage triggers in real time and build connection:
1. Pause Before Reacting
Take a breath. Place your hand on your heart or stomach. Interrupt the automatic reaction loop.
2. Name It to Tame It (Siegel, 2010)
Say: “I’m feeling really activated right now. I think something deeper just got touched.”
3. Take Responsibility for Your Reaction
Instead of “You made me feel—”, try: “Something about this moment is bringing up something old for me.”
4. Get Curious, Not Critical
Ask: “What’s really going on for me?” and “What might be going on for my partner?”
5. Connect Before You Correct
As Brené Brown teaches, “We’re all just trying to be seen, loved, and safe.” Start there—not with fixing or blame. (Brown, 2015)
What Partners Can Do For Each Other
From Alison A. Armstrong’s relational wisdom: when someone is triggered, they need safety—not solutions. Try:
“I see this is hard. I’m not here to fix it. I’m here to be with you.”
“Can you help me understand what this brings up for you?”
“What do you need from me right now—support, space, or just presence?”
Healing Starts with Awareness
The goal isn’t to be trigger-free. That’s not realistic. The goal is to notice when you’re triggered, name what’s beneath it, and return to safe connection with yourself and your partner.
Triggers are not weaknesses. They are wounded places calling for healing, love, and boundaries.
When you learn how to respond to your triggers with curiosity instead of shame, you start breaking free from old cycles—and step into the kind of connection that’s grounded, mature, and loving.
Your Next Steps
Identify 1–2 recurring reactions you have with your partner.
Journal: “What does this reaction protect?”
Share your insights in a calm moment—not during conflict.
Agree on a trigger pause word with your partner (“Time out” or “Flag”) so you both know when to slow down and reconnect.
Consider working with a therapist trained in EFT or Gottman Method to go deeper.
With each step, you’re not only healing your past—you’re creating the emotional safety you always deserved. And that’s powerful.
Your triggers are teachers, not enemies. Identifying your emotional triggers is not about fixing what’s “wrong” with you—it’s about honoring what’s been unhealed in you. Acknowledge and witness. These reactions, however big or uncomfortable, are messengers. They show you where you're still longing for security, appreciation, freedom, or connection. When you learn to recognize your triggers with self-compassion instead of shame, you begin reclaiming your emotional power.
In relationships, especially romantic ones, triggers can either keep you stuck in painful patterns or open the door to deeper intimacy—if you’re willing to do the work. That work starts with awareness, reflection, and safe conversations.
If you're ready to untangle the pattern of reactive triggers, book a discovery call today.
References
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Spiegel & Grau.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. W.W. Norton & Company.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
Maté, G. (2019). The myth of normal: Trauma, illness and healing in a toxic culture. Knopf Canada.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The mindful therapist. W.W. Norton & Company.
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