top of page
Search

ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy)

Ethical Non-Monogamy: What It Is and What You Should Know

Let's face it, there are many forms of relationship dynamics out there, and more people are exploring alternatives to traditional monogamy. One of the most talked-about concepts in relationship psychology is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). Whether you’ve heard about polyamory in passing or you're seriously considering opening up your relationship, understanding ENM is the first step toward making informed, respectful, and emotionally sound decisions. This guide explores what ENM is (and isn’t), key considerations, its common forms, emotional ups and downs, and the foundational pillars that help it thrive. Let us begin...


ENM - Ethical Non-Monogamy

 

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)?

Ethical Non-Monogamy refers to a relationship structure in which all parties consensually agree to engage in romantic or sexual connections outside of a primary relationship, or with multiple partners altogether. Unlike cheating—which is marked by secrecy, dishonesty, and betrayal—ENM is rooted in open communication, trust, and mutual agreement.

People practicing ENM agree to pursue other relationships ethically, meaning they do so with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. This distinguishes it clearly from infidelity. In ENM, there are no hidden affairs or broken promises—just clearly discussed boundaries and agreements.


❗Important Note: ENM does not mean cheating is acceptable. Cheating, by definition, involves deception or breaking established agreements. In ENM, honesty and transparency are non-negotiable values.

 


Common Forms of ENM

Ethical Non-Monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all relationship structure. In fact, there are several different types, each with its own rules and dynamics. Here are some of the most common:


1. Polyamory

Involves forming multiple loving, committed relationships. These relationships may vary in depth and structure, but they emphasize emotional intimacy and long-term connection.

2. Open Relationships

Usually refers to couples who maintain a primary partnership but are open to sexual connections with others. These encounters are typically less emotionally involved than polyamorous relationships.

3. Swinging

Swinging is typically practiced by couples who jointly engage in recreational sexual activities with others. It’s often centered around social events or pre-arranged gatherings and less about emotional bonding.

4. Relationship Anarchy

This approach rejects traditional hierarchies (e.g., “primary” vs. “secondary” partners) and encourages individuals to define their own relationship norms based on autonomy and consent.

5. Solo Polyamory

Involves people who choose not to have a primary partnership. They maintain multiple connections while preserving their independence and personal autonomy.

(Conley, Moors, Matsick, & Ziegler, 2017)

 



How Do They Differ?

While each form of ENM shares the foundation of consent and honesty, they differ in:

  • Emotional depth (casual sex vs. long-term love)

  • Structural hierarchy (some have a "primary" partner, others don’t)

  • Autonomy vs. Co-dependence (some relationships encourage full independence, others involve cohabitation or shared finances)

  • Rules and boundaries (from very loose to highly structured)

 


The Ups and Downs of ENM

Like any relationship structure, ENM comes with both rewards and challenges.

Here are some emotional experiences people commonly report:


Upsides:

  • Increased emotional fulfillment through multiple connections

  • Greater sexual satisfaction

  • Personal growth through deep self-reflection

  • Stronger communication skills as a result of more intentional discussions


Challenges:

  • Jealousy, especially in early stages

  • Time management stress

  • Insecurity or comparison between partners

  • Fear of social stigma

  • Miscommunication or emotional burnout

The goal isn’t to eliminate these emotions but to navigate them mindfully through consistent check-ins, emotional literacy, and mutual support.

(Sheff, 2014)

 


Thinking About ENM? Ask Yourself These Questions First

Before entering or suggesting ENM, it’s important to reflect deeply. Here are some key questions to explore:

  1. Why am I interested in ENM? Is it about exploring identity, seeking freedom, or avoiding issues in a current relationship?

  2. What are my boundaries? What am I okay with—and what am I not?

  3. Am I ready to communicate openly? Can I share feelings honestly without avoiding discomfort?

  4. How do I handle jealousy? Am I prepared to manage this emotion with maturity?

  5. Do I have the time and emotional energy to invest in more than one relationship?

  6. Am I willing to be vulnerable and listen without defensiveness?

  7. How will I protect my physical health and the health of others?

  8. What if my partner wants something different? Can I hold space for that without trying to control the outcome?


These questions don’t require perfect answers—but exploring them is essential.

 


Top 10 Priorities for Healthy ENM Relationships

If you choose to explore ENM, these ten values and practices can help set a strong foundation:

  1. Clear Communication – Regularly express desires, boundaries, and concerns without judgment.

  2. Mutual Consent – Every relationship agreement must be made willingly and enthusiastically.

  3. Emotional Check-Ins – Schedule intentional times to connect, review boundaries, and share feelings.

  4. Open, Rigorous Honesty – Even if it's uncomfortable, speak the truth kindly and consistently.

  5. Defined Agreements – Write them down if needed. It helps prevent miscommunication.

  6. Sexual Health Awareness – Use protection and discuss STI testing openly with all partners.

  7. Respect for Autonomy – Don’t control your partner’s other relationships; support their freedom.

  8. Time Management – Be realistic with your availability to avoid neglect or emotional burnout.

  9. Conflict Resolution Skills – Learn to listen actively and resolve disagreements fairly.

  10. Community Support – Seek out ENM-affirming spaces and people who respect your relationship style.

(Moors, Matsick, Ziegler, Rubin, & Conley, 2014)

 


Love, By Design

At the end of the day, relationships are personal. ENM isn’t for everyone, but for some, it offers a path to deeper authenticity, love, and personal growth. What matters most isn’t the number of partners you have—but the quality of consent, communication, and care you bring into your relationships.

If you’re curious about ENM, start slow, educate yourself, and communicate with kindness. All relationships—monogamous or not—are essentially what we consensually create together.


✨ Your relationship, your rules—as long as they’re honest and shared. ✨



 


References:

 
 
 

Recent Posts

See All

Comments

bottom of page