What you might need to know.
I have been going for years to most of the lifestyle, fetish, kink, sex-positive events and I’m always getting asked “What ‘should’ I expect?” or “What do I need to know or do beforehand?”. Well Guess what? I’m actually going to tell you in writing this time. This is not the be all end all, but this will help you prepare, if you’ve never gone.
First, check out the website, if they have one. There is usually great information on there about dress code, type of party, rules and what to ‘expect’. For some, you have to become a member. Some have lockers (you’ll have to bring a lock for) and some just have coat check. Each club has different ways of doing things.
If you are unwary, ask questions. Most of these clubs have an email or phone number you can call. If you don’t want to ask them, you can ask someone who has already been there before., In my experience they are open and honest and willing to educate to help you ease into it.
Do not over drink. I know so many people who went for their first time and they wanted liquid courage to help them through. This often justs turns into a bad situation and judgment calls were a skew. I am not saying you have to go sober AF but drink responsibly if you want to drink. For that matter, this goes with any drug as well, to much of anything is no good, except sex…. JK 😉.
Dress up to dress down. I always see people take off clothes because well… it’s sexy, they are in the mood and sometimes it is just really is hot in there. I say dress up to dress down. You can wear what you want all pretty and have a change of clothes with you just in case, while having something underneath to reveal more. This goes for shoes as well. I mean you're going to be taking them off anyways, why not be comfortable. I personally bring an extra pair of shoes for either the ‘end of the night’ or just in case I want to switch them out. This doesn’t mean you always will, but as a woman I like options and comfort.
Know your boundaries/ limits. If you’re a couple going, chat beforehand to make sure you’re on the same page and know what each other’s limits/ boundaries are. Even if you know, you might want to try something for the night if the situation arises. Talk to each other, agree and have a ‘safe word’ you agree on. A Safe word is something you both know and agree on to say when you need something to stop right away. Make sure when in groups that everyone knows your limits beforehand or your partner in case to make sure as soon as it's said everyone and everything stops.
If you're going alone, same deal, but check in with yourself at the beginning of the night to honor yourself and your boundaries as well.
A ‘No’ is as good as a ‘Yes’. I tend to use this line a lot, because a lot of people have difficulty saying No to others. Either they don’t know themselves enough to know if it’s a no or they don’t want to hurt the other person's feels. If you say yes to anything that you don’t want to do, you are not honoring yourself and your boundaries to staying true to you. If you don’t say anything, usually this is where it can get messy, especially in the middle of a scene. Usually if you don’t say anything it’s a no, but if you’re in a scene already this can get messy and this is where checking in is necessary for everyone. Stop and check. If someone tries something with you without communication/ asking first, quickly stop it and ask them what they are doing or if they’ve asked. Usually these individuals are new, maybe under the influence or are just plain old jerks.
In the lifestyle community, with the people that are regulars this doesn’t happen a lot, if it does – like it has with me- it's usually a miscommunication or a quick sorry and move on. People who are in the community are open, honest and welcoming. They are solid in their No’s and Yes’s.
Have no expectations. I say this so you don’t expect you will get play time, don’t expect your going home with anyone and don’t expect to have sex at a sex club. But wait, isn’t it a sex club and everyone is just having a big orgy, having sex everywhere and it's full of swinger… HELL NO! Yes it’s a sex club, but you don’t have to have sex, the option is just there for people. I have gone there just to say hi to my friends be in the energy and have a good old dance time. Why? Because I can and I feel safer in a lifestyle club then I do at any other club because people are respectful, they ask before touching, they are there to have fun and there is no pressure.
Mingle. Mingle or not. I just know I met a lot of wonderful people who I call my friends today, they are respectful and sexy! It’s a community that takes care of each other, and I’m not talking this time sexually. We have helped the club and helped hold pre-parties for newcomers to meet-N-greet. We have given advice, went on trips together, helped each other move, garden, had dinner parties and more.
I know sex clubs aren’t for everyone, and yes it can be a bit overwhelming at first. But let’s put the assumptions aside and let the experience talk for itself. Also, every time is different then the next, so if you have a bad night, talk it out. If it's not for you cool, if it is, cool.
Love more, Fear less.
Veronica B. Chase.