What to Do When You Argue?
- V.B.Chase
- 2 hours ago
- 4 min read
A Conscious Approach to Conflict in Relationships...
Do you and your partner fight often?
Learn what to do when you argue in a relationship, including how to fight fair, initiate repair, and return to love using methods from Gottman, Williamson, and more.
Arguments are inevitable in any relationship. But it's not the presence of conflict that breaks couples apart—it’s how that conflict is handled. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, the way couples argue can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy (Gottman & Silver, 1999). That’s a powerful statistic, and it underscores the importance of learning how to fight fair and repair intentionally.
This blog will teach you what to do when you argue. We'll explore the principles of fair fighting, how to de-escalate tension with tools like soft start-ups and repair attempts, and how to reconnect and return to love afterward. We'll also link to other helpful posts on veronicachase.com/blogs to help deepen your healing and communication toolkit.
1. Fair Fighting: It's Not About the Argument—It's About How You Argue Conflict is natural. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen—are not. These toxic behaviors erode trust and intimacy, turning your partner into the enemy rather than the ally.
Fair fighting includes:
Using “I” statements instead of blame
Sticking to one issue at a time
Avoiding name-calling or past grievances
Taking breaks when emotions run high
Listening to understand, not to win
“The success of a relationship is not measured by the absence of conflict, but by the presence of repair.” — Dr. John Gottman
Sarah and Tom's Example: Sarah and Tom used to shout over each other when they disagreed. After learning fair fighting skills, they now pause, write down their thoughts, and come back to the conversation after cooling off. Their arguments have shifted from blame to collaboration.
2. Soft Starts and Repairs: Returning to Love Marriage therapist Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes the emotional undercurrent of conflict: the fear of disconnection. Arguments often begin harshly when one or both partners feel unheard, unimportant, or unloved.
Marianne Williamson wrote, “We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present.” Returning to love means choosing connection over ego.
Soft start-ups look like:
“I feel hurt when you…”
“I need to feel closer to you when we talk.”
“Can we take a break and come back to this with kindness?”
Repair attempts include:
Using humor to defuse tension
A light touch or eye contact to say “I’m still here”
Saying “That came out wrong. Let me try again.”
Agreeing to disagree and reaffirming love
“In successful couples, partners make and receive repair attempts 86% of the time.” — The Gottman Institute
How to Build Secure Attachment as an Adult — Because secure attachment creates a safe space for conflict to occur without rupture.
3. What Happens in the Body When You Fight Neuroscience shows that conflict floods the body with cortisol and adrenaline. When your heart rate exceeds 100 bpm, your brain's prefrontal cortex (responsible for empathy and reasoning) goes offline. You can’t resolve an issue when your body is in fight-or-flight.
Tips to regulate in the moment:
Pause and take 3 deep belly breaths
Agree to take a 20-minute break
Use a grounding object (e.g., a smooth stone or cold water)
“When emotions are high, intelligence is low.” — Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (1995)
4. When and How to Reconnect After a Fight The period after an argument is just as important as the fight itself. Ignoring the aftermath can cause lingering resentment or disconnection.
Reconnection strategies:
Share what you learned about yourself in the conflict
Offer genuine apologies without justification
Ask: “What do you need from me now to feel loved?”
Reinforce the positive: “Even though we disagreed, I’m grateful we’re learning to communicate better.”
Why Emotionally Unavailable Partners Are So Addictive — Learn how old wounds can affect how we argue or withdraw.
5. When to Seek Support If your arguments frequently escalate to name-calling, threats, or long-term silence, it may be time to seek couples therapy or relationship coaching. These tools are not signs of failure but signs of commitment to growth.
6. Final Thoughts: Conflict as a Path to Intimacy Conflict, when handled consciously, is not the enemy of intimacy—it’s the gateway. Learning how to argue with fairness, empathy, and love can turn your relationship into a space of mutual growth.
Arguments don’t have to be destructive. They can be revealing, honest, and even connective.
“Every argument is an opportunity to repair something deeper.” — Veronica Chase
From Conflict to Connection.... Meet Maya and Daniel...
Maya and Daniel had been together for four years. Their fights always followed the same script: Maya would raise a concern about emotional closeness, and Daniel would feel attacked, withdraw, and eventually explode in frustration. They weren’t equipped with tools for healthy conflict—just instinctual reactions shaped by old wounds.
After a particularly intense argument about spending time together, they decided to seek coaching. In their sessions, they learned about Gottman’s Four Horsemen and how to replace them with fair fighting strategies. Maya practiced soft start-ups instead of launching into heated accusations, while Daniel learned how to regulate his nervous system and stay present without shutting down.
Together, they created repair rituals: pausing mid-conflict for a shared breath, and reconnecting with phrases like, “I’m not trying to fight you. I’m trying to understand you.”
Six months later, they still argued—but with more kindness, less fear, and greater intimacy. “It’s not that we stopped fighting,” Maya said. “It’s that now, we fight in a way that brings us closer.”
You will have disagreements, it's how you navigate them for a win-win rather than a loss-loss strategy together. Finding closeness and understanding with curiosity, all while taking care of the 4 horsemen battlefield that can show up with antidotes.
If you and your partner struggle with conflict, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Book a Discovery Call with Veronica today and begin the journey of transforming conflict into connection.
Resources:
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
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